February 2021

 So I'm back in Toronto and its been a few months and I must admit, the initial charm has worn off. Nikki turned out to be a severe alcoholic, so we moved out to a nicer place. COVID got worse again and the city shut down. Research got more serious so I gotta put more elbow grease into it. Condo stuff stressing me out. Marriage stuff has gotten more real. Its become cold and dark here, and I know its always darkest before dawn, but maybe its good to suffer with everyone else sometimes.

Let's count some of my blessings: I am employed and my job is pretty cool overall. I don't always value it but when I think about it, its really quite lovely that I came this far and that things worked out and that the people around me are intelligent and kind. All that stand sin my way is self-mastery in some ways. I didn't get COVID and neither did any of my loved ones. I stayed in great shape, despite lockdowns and moving and all that other bullshit. Its been a year of lockdowns and I stayed healthy, except for the smoking and drinking and irregular bouts of insomnia.

It is difficult, or at least for me, to stay face to face and clear with my life. I was expecting to have some kind of break after my Ph.D., some Lucky Sky Leung time, and I dreamed a lot of things before. Being a handsome, young academic, free to travel the world, combat climate change. That's not quite how things turned out but in 2020, I don't think many peoples' plans turned out. I'm still in my mid-thirties and have a bit of time to enjoy, plan but enjoy. Wow, those moments will probably be dense. Better keep my hair in tact, body fit, and mind clear as I plan for the future. I sometimes get scared as I get older, as time slips away, but safe choices can be very disingenuine and also difficult to live with. Being good and close and clear to the ones I love is now most important to me, and so is doing something that will help the world. Do not forget this. Also, create art. And enjoy life with little filters, even if it makes you tear up sometimes. I don't tear up often, but perhaps I should more.

Well, it feels good to vent. I should come here and do that more. There is a quiet, steady, painful journey to adulthood that is somewhat optional, but I want to move towards it. Whatever the fuck that means!